Becoming a Professional Matchmaker Totally Changed My Perspective on Dating

I’m one of a few hundred people in the U.S. with the privilege of saying their full time job is matchmaking. Yep, I set people up on dates and help them find love. But I’m not an expert by accident, I’m a dating specialist through failure, failure, and more failure.

Before my yente days, my love life was an utter shit show. One of my better experiences involved a guy who confessed on our first date that he was really, really into Vladimir Putin. My most stable relationship was with a guy who, handsome as he was, forgot my birthday every year, couldn’t remember my last name, and thought the Amish were the pinnacle of the sexiness. Obviously, I can’t compete with Amish women!

At least half of my emotional energy was spent lamenting the sorry state of my love life. Luckily, I was working as a dating writer so I was getting paid to lament in 800 words or fewer.

But my mentality was still wrong. I thought my love life was something that was happening to me, rather than something I was creating. After enlisting in matchmaker bootcamp and getting certified as a dating and relationship coach, I realized my core beliefs about love were totally wrong. I needed to take ownership of the problems in my love life before I could move forward.

My matchmaking skills have been forged in the fires of dating app hell and in thousands of conversations with eligible singles looking for a partner. And what I’ve learned has radically shifted my perspective on love and dating, thank God.

Finding Love Takes Strategy

Before I became a matchmaker, I didn’t have a lot of strategy to my love life. I treated dating apps like a sales funnel and mindlessly swiped. With no idea what I was looking for in a match or in a relationship, I was just kind of throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what would stick. Honestly, my love life looked a lot more like a multilevel marketing scheme than something that could lead to long term contentment.  

If you really want to meet someone, you have to utilize strategy. No, I’m not talking Sun Tzu, I just mean forethought, planning, and consistency. Figure out what your actual goals are. Are you looking for a relationship or just testing the waters? From there you should decide on the tools you’re going to use. Dating apps can be fine if you’re in the early stages of dating, but since the quality control on apps is poor and the choices seemingly infinite, they can easily lead to feeling overwhelmed and burned out. Not to mention the rampant sexual harassment. Joining social groups, working with a matchmaker, and attending in person events are going to be much more effective.

You Won’t Find Love When You’re Lonely

Why is it that the loneliest moments of our lives are when we want a partner the most?

I used to turn to dating when I was bored or lonely. Going on dating apps looking for a match was kind of like having emotional munchies. It was compulsive and binge-like, but ultimately left me feeling unsatisfied.

I’m sorry to say, those unhappy moments are when we’re actually the least likely to find someone. It seems unfair, I know, but do you want to pick your life partner in the midst of Seasonal Affective Disorder while binge watching the Office (again), or do you want to make a mindful decision from a place of empowerment, stability, and joy?

As a matchmaker, I can tell within 30 minutes of speaking with a client whether they are going to have success based on one question, “Why are you looking for a partner now?” 70% of my clients say, in one way or another, they’re looking for a relationship because they’re lonely.

According to the Law of Attraction (and common sense) like attracts like. That means you can only attract what you are in any given time. Looking for love because you’re lonely and want someone to fix you? You’re only going to find the same. Exhausting!

Take a look at yourself and your life. Do you want a partner who has the same mindset you do and is in the same place in life you are? If the answer is no, it’s time to do some serious work on yourself to get ready for love. Journaling, hypnotherapy, and energy healing are the tools I recommend most to my clients. Choosing a partner is a decision that can alter the course of your life. Make it with a clear head, not from a place of sadness and need.

Love Isn’t a Fuzzy Feeling

We’re sold this marketable story of love: Love is magical. Love will cure all of your woes. Love “means never having to say you’re sorry.” I bought it and I wanted it, but that’s not love. Love is a choice you make every day. Love is an intimate acceptance of your partner’s flaws and your own. Love is bearing witness. Love is rushing to Chipotle when your partner forgets their wallet. And sometimes, love is pretty gross.

If you’re expecting fairytale romance, you’re going to be alone forever. There aren’t perfect matches, this isn’t a perfect world, and you are not perfect. You need to accept that perfect relationships don’t exist. Take Prince(ss) Charming out into the woods, shoot him, bury him, and get ready to accept weird body hair and character flaws that trigger your childhood trauma. Now, you’re ready for love.

And you know what? Perfect love would be boring. That’s not what relationships are for. Relationships draw our attention to the parts of ourselves that still need to be healed. Relationships are an invitation to growth.

Maybe you have a list of 35 qualities your partner must have. Throw it away. There’s only one question you need to ask yourself about every suitor, “Will this person support my growth and healing?” If the answer is no, then their cool job, on point political beliefs, and totally refined knowledge of viticulture don’t mean a thing.

There might not be perfect relationships out there, but there are people who are perfect for each other in a weird, imperfect way. I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. If you haven’t met your person yet, date mindfully, focus on becoming the best version of yourself, be realistic about what love is, and I promise, your person will show up easily and naturally.

Feature photo by Joe Yates